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[personal profile] mightydoll
It's been a long, long time since I've made an in depth post about the state of the Deni. Even now, I'm not sure where to begin, or how much of this is going to get out onto the page, but I've put the kids to bed and I've promised myself that I'd do this soon, because I process better when I write it out.

As some of you know, but many of you probably don't, Nick's been seeing a new woman for about a month and a half. She's sweet and bubbly and oh-so-optimistic. They're swoon-y and mushy and having a great time. I'm not jealous, I'm really happy for them, and I genuinely enjoy watching them flirt and smile. It makes me smile too. But I'm very, very envious.

It's been a long time since I've been in that place. Even with the hippies, I didn't really get much opportunity to get there. The ground was never stable under our feet, there was always something to fret about, there was never enough time to just be together, there were too many people trying desperately to...what?...Idunno, it just seemed like noone could just let us be together alone and build the kind of relationship we all seemed to want. There was jealousy to deal with, and envy, and slut-shaming and so many demands and just generally not much fun a lot of the time. It was tempestuous at best, and while storm chasing can be exciting, eventually I want to just go to bed and listen to the rain fall.

Apart from it being a long time since I've been swept up in getting to know someone new, I'm also acutely aware of how much of my own optimism has waned over the years. I used to be pretty upbeat and trusting; much like Nick's new flame. She's not so different from a me I vaguely remember from 10 years ago. Now, a lot of it seems foolish to me, but parts of it I really miss. I wonder if I'm even equipped to get to that silly, infatuated, place that I sometimes crave. I was never one to get infatuated with someone I'd just met, so there's a difference, there. I've always been slower to warm up to people, slower to open up, but all the same, I did get giddy, once, and I miss those tentative first kisses, the feedback of a new body as I run fingertips over it, the bubbling anticipation of getting to know a new body and a new soul.

I find myself increasingly bitter about lost friends, my mind lingering on old lovers wistfully, and old almost-lovers and old never-were lovers. I spent several days recently deciding whether to get back in touch with Graham, because I miss him like crazy, only to realize I don't have his phone number any more (and really, it would be a spectacularly bad idea, anyway). I miss drinking with the wondermonkey, and wonder if things would be different if we'd never slept together. I'd rather have kept him as a friend. He was a good one. I'm so very angry at Mike G. for throwing away our friendship the way he did, and I don't think I'll ever quite forgive Lynne and NONE of this is shit I should be lingering over, still thinking about, still mourning. Except that maybe in all this lies the answer to why I feel so acutely that I'll never be able to have those kinds of fully trusting, fully present, relationships again.

I've been dating again, putting myself out there, and I've met a few nice people. I have another date on Thursday, but so far, none of them excite me. I don't think it's them. I think it's me, and I'm not sure why or how to fix it. I miss getting excited about people. I think I may have lost the last of my faith in them, as a whole and I find that profoundly depressing, at times.

on 2010-01-26 05:50 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] themikado.livejournal.com
I miss my optimism too. I think some of it, in my case, can be traced back to what happened to me last year. I lost a lot of my ability to trust people.

I'm not sure how to help you regain yours. If you figure it out, would you let me know?

on 2010-01-26 07:32 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mightydoll.livejournal.com
You bet.

on 2010-01-26 07:32 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] tormenta.livejournal.com
My optimism & trust grew back a little this year. I was suprised and thrilled. I thought it was gone forever.

I could speculate on how and why, but I guess the important thing is to continue to choose to spend time in relationships and friendships that are supportive and make you feel good about yourself.

The thrill comes back with the trust. The trust comes back with the not getting screwed over.

on 2010-01-26 07:34 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mightydoll.livejournal.com
Thanks for commenting, C!

I think I'm trying to find that balance of trust where anyone would even have a CHANCE to screw me over. It's not much good not getting screwed over if you're pretty sure the only reason you weren't was because your impenetrable shell protected you.

I'm sure part of the problem stems from January blahs. Broke after Xmas, too cold to do a lot of stuff, coming down off my annual spate of post-holiday illness....etc, etc, etc. But as I said to btrfly below, I've been kind of in a "big snit" for about a year and a half, and I feel like it's definitely time to move on.

on 2010-01-26 09:33 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] rbowspryte.livejournal.com
Still finding my optimism and bubbliness too. What are you up to tonight btw?

on 2010-01-26 07:26 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mightydoll.livejournal.com
Just kicking around the house. Broke until Friday and have kids tonight, but if you'd like to stop by, I'd love to see ya.

on 2010-01-26 08:03 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] rbowspryte.livejournal.com
I might....depends on a how much packing and cleaning I can get done.

on 2010-01-26 10:11 am (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] papertowlbtrfly.livejournal.com
She does have a certain charisma to her, but I don't think that's based on being upbeat, trusting and optimistic. Then again, my impression could be blurred on my overwhelming need to outdrink the woman. Sigh, after last time though I think I will concede that she could prolly drink me under the table :( Anyhow, this is the thing with charisma, it's overwhelming and dominates ones personality. If that's who you are, great. If not though, you end up like my step mother when you try to force it. You've met Sandy, right? I know many charismatic people and value them all. I've never been envious though because I value my cynicism and jadedness as well. Sometimes, even, my bitterness. It's what's allowed me not to become like the rest of my family and what they want me to be ("bubbly"). I think it also allows me to see things on a deeper level than most of society. I don't like how we as a society have labeled upbeat, optimistic, cynical, jaded, severe, etc. with positive and negative connotations. Like all attributes, they each have both positive and negative sides. I think it's about balancing these elements of personality (that we all have) and accepting that they are what make us who we are. You have a pretty good balance :)

Also, maybe you need to just stop dating for a while and just surrender to a "big snit". That's what I'm doing right now and I seem to be getting a little better because I have been giving in to man hatred and other issues I have after getting all fuct up in Florida. Slowly, my perspectives on these issues are changing as I examine them fully and realise that parts of my belief structure are simply untrue. I don't think this process would be happening if I had allowed myself interest in someone or just gone and get laid like many have suggested. Sometimes forging on is not a good idea.I probably would have just packed my "conclusions" subconsciously away never to question them again.

on 2010-01-26 07:29 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mightydoll.livejournal.com
Oh I've been in a "bit snit" for about a year and a half. Dating now represents me trying to break out of it.

She's pretty optimistic, at least, to hear her talk. I don't know if she's so much like I used to be, or if the situation itself just reminds me of parts of me I've lost, but I've definitely lost something.

As far as drinking under the table: I'm pretty sure you had more to drink than she did. We'll have to test that theory with measured portions. ;)

on 2010-01-27 02:58 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] papertowlbtrfly.livejournal.com
Oh, no...it's not worth going through the pain of the hangover again ;)

on 2010-01-26 12:41 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] kattale.livejournal.com
Oh, I feel for you, hon.
From my own experience, I can say that NRE giddiness and crushes don't ever happen because you want or need giddiness in your life. You can want it and want it as much as you like, but it will only appear when a giddy-inspiring person comes into your life by accident.

I was feeling as if I'd lost the "spark" that causes that feeling - that I was too old or jaded to ever feel that again. Then I met a fellow at KG, and I got absolutely silly. Messaging and flirting and that internal squeeeee whenever there was a message from him... shy and electric when he came to town, touching him, everything was this awesome ride...

Okay, to qualify, it turns out that he was an immature ass, capable of the most petty and visciously nasty attitudes, and I shudder now thinking of letting the creep anywhere close to my body or my brainz. Ewww. But the point is that I proved that I can get that excited about someone, even in my old age - but that I can't make it happen on demand, it just has to happen. Maybe it has to happen when I'm in the right mood, or with the right person, or in the right context or under the right circumstance... That makes it seem like the odds are against it, doesn't it? :P But it DOES happen and WILL happen.

(If it helps, we're both still totally giddy over you. :)

on 2010-01-26 09:21 pm (UTC)
Posted by [identity profile] mightydoll.livejournal.com
Kat: you're quite right, of course, about forcing matters, but I've been laying low for so long and I'm ready for some excitement again!

and yes, it does help, thanks! :)

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