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[personal profile] mightydoll
It's been a long, long time since I've made an in depth post about the state of the Deni. Even now, I'm not sure where to begin, or how much of this is going to get out onto the page, but I've put the kids to bed and I've promised myself that I'd do this soon, because I process better when I write it out.

As some of you know, but many of you probably don't, Nick's been seeing a new woman for about a month and a half. She's sweet and bubbly and oh-so-optimistic. They're swoon-y and mushy and having a great time. I'm not jealous, I'm really happy for them, and I genuinely enjoy watching them flirt and smile. It makes me smile too. But I'm very, very envious.

It's been a long time since I've been in that place. Even with the hippies, I didn't really get much opportunity to get there. The ground was never stable under our feet, there was always something to fret about, there was never enough time to just be together, there were too many people trying desperately to...what?...Idunno, it just seemed like noone could just let us be together alone and build the kind of relationship we all seemed to want. There was jealousy to deal with, and envy, and slut-shaming and so many demands and just generally not much fun a lot of the time. It was tempestuous at best, and while storm chasing can be exciting, eventually I want to just go to bed and listen to the rain fall.

Apart from it being a long time since I've been swept up in getting to know someone new, I'm also acutely aware of how much of my own optimism has waned over the years. I used to be pretty upbeat and trusting; much like Nick's new flame. She's not so different from a me I vaguely remember from 10 years ago. Now, a lot of it seems foolish to me, but parts of it I really miss. I wonder if I'm even equipped to get to that silly, infatuated, place that I sometimes crave. I was never one to get infatuated with someone I'd just met, so there's a difference, there. I've always been slower to warm up to people, slower to open up, but all the same, I did get giddy, once, and I miss those tentative first kisses, the feedback of a new body as I run fingertips over it, the bubbling anticipation of getting to know a new body and a new soul.

I find myself increasingly bitter about lost friends, my mind lingering on old lovers wistfully, and old almost-lovers and old never-were lovers. I spent several days recently deciding whether to get back in touch with Graham, because I miss him like crazy, only to realize I don't have his phone number any more (and really, it would be a spectacularly bad idea, anyway). I miss drinking with the wondermonkey, and wonder if things would be different if we'd never slept together. I'd rather have kept him as a friend. He was a good one. I'm so very angry at Mike G. for throwing away our friendship the way he did, and I don't think I'll ever quite forgive Lynne and NONE of this is shit I should be lingering over, still thinking about, still mourning. Except that maybe in all this lies the answer to why I feel so acutely that I'll never be able to have those kinds of fully trusting, fully present, relationships again.

I've been dating again, putting myself out there, and I've met a few nice people. I have another date on Thursday, but so far, none of them excite me. I don't think it's them. I think it's me, and I'm not sure why or how to fix it. I miss getting excited about people. I think I may have lost the last of my faith in them, as a whole and I find that profoundly depressing, at times.
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mightydoll: (Default)

February 2010

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