Savage Love

Sep. 13th, 2017 04:00 am
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Posted by Dan Savage

A straight mom wants to provide her queer daughter with some good sex-ed advice. by Dan Savage

My teenage daughter just came out to us as gay. We told her we love her and support her. As a heterosexual, cisgender mother, how do I make sure she gets good advice about sex? I don't want her learning from other kids or porn. Do you know of any good, sex-positive advice books for lesbian teens?

My Inspiring Daughter Deserves Lesbian Education

"I wish every parent felt this way about their child's sexual development, regardless of the child's gender identity or sexual orientation," said Peggy Orenstein, author of Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape. "All young people—girls especially—need open, honest discussions about sexual ethics, including talking about pleasure, respect, decision-making, and reciprocity, or we are leaving them at the mercy of the messages they get from both the mainstream and 'adult' entertainment industries."

Orenstein's book—required reading for parents of girls and boys—drives home the need for comprehensive sex-education programs emphasizing the giving and receiving of pleasure. In the absence of sex-ed programs that empower girls to see themselves not just as instruments of another's pleasure but as autonomous individuals with a right to experience sexual pleasure—with a partner or on their own—girls wind up having a lot of consensual but crappy sex.

That said, MIDDLE, one big takeaway from Orenstein's research should come as a comfort to you: Bi and lesbian girls enjoy an advantage over their heterosexual peers.

"In some ways, MIDDLE can feel more confident about her daughter as a gay girl," said Orenstein. "Lesbian and bisexual girls I spoke to for Girls & Sex would talk about feeling liberated to go 'off the script'—by which they meant the script that leads lockstep to intercourse—and create encounters that truly worked for them. I ended up feeling that hetero girls—and boys, too—could learn a lot from their gay and bisexual female peers. And I don't mean by watching otherwise straight girls make out on the dance floor for the benefit of guys."

Since gay and bisexual girls can't default to PIV intercourse, and since there's not a boy in the room whose needs/dick/ego they've been socialized to prioritize, queer girls have more egalitarian and, not coincidentally, more satisfying sexual encounters.

"Young women are more likely to measure their own satisfaction by the yardstick of their partner's pleasure," said Orenstein. "So heterosexual girls will say things such as, 'If he's sexually satisfied, then I'm sexually satisfied.' Men, by contrast, are more likely to measure satisfaction by their own orgasm. But the investment girls express in their partner's pleasure remains true regardless of that person's gender. So the orgasm gap we see among heterosexuals (75 percent of men report they come regularly in sexual encounters versus 29 percent of women) disappears in same-sex encounters. Young women with same-sex partners climax at the same rate as heterosexual men."

As for good, sex-positive resources for teens of all identities and orientations, Orenstein had some great recommendations.

"I'm a big fan of Heather Corinna's S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-to-Know Sexuality Guide to Get You Through Your Teens and Twenties," said Orenstein. "She also produces the Scarleteen.com website, which is fabulous. Other inclusive, sex-positive, medically accurate websites include Sexetc.org and Goaskalice.columbia.edu. And MIDDLE could think about giving her daughter a subscription to OMGYes.com, an explicit (but not tawdry) site that educates about the science of female pleasure. And finally, I think everyone who is a woman—or has had sex with a woman or ever hopes to—should read Emily Nagoski's book Come As You Are. Even if you think you know it all, Nagoski's book will transform your sex life."

Follow Orenstein on Twitter @peggyorenstein.


My husband and I are currently separated on a trial basis. He took all our condoms when he moved out, and I want to ask him if he plans on having sex with other women. I don't have any intention of sleeping with other people while separated, but I think he may be interested in doing so, in part since we have been sexually active only with each other and he is trying to "find himself." If either of us were to have extramarital sex without the consent of the other, I would consider that cheating. We've also been having sex with each other throughout our separation. But my husband refuses to discuss this aspect of our separation. He will discuss only co-parenting or financial issues. I would be okay with him having casual sex but not a romantic sexual relationship.

Wondering If Fidelity Enforceable

Taking the condoms + refusing to discuss the sexual terms of your separation = your husband is almost certainly fucking other women. He probably figures it'll be easier to get your forgiveness after the fact than to get your permission in advance—and if you don't get back together, WIFE, he won't even have to ask for forgiveness.

If your husband refuses to have a dialogue about the sexual aspect of your separation, then you'll have to make him listen to a monologue. Tell him you assume he's having sex with other people and, if that's not the case, he'll have to use his words to persuade you otherwise. If he sits there in silence, or his words are unpersuasive, tell him you now feel free to have sex with other people, too. And while you can ask him not to enter into a romantic sexual relationship with anyone else, WIFE, you ultimately can't control how he feels about who he's fucking while he's out there finding himself. If you aren't comfortable fucking your husband while he's fucking other women—and he almost certainly is fucking other women—let him know that and cut him off.


I'm a 32-year-old straight male. Back in April, I met this girl. She seemed interested, but before we went out, she told me that she is a demisexual. (I had to google it.) After a few dates, she had me over to her place, we watched a movie and started making out. But when I started to put my hand between her legs, she calmly said, "Let's not get ahead of ourselves." No problem, I told her, I wasn't trying to rush her. Fast-forward a couple months. We're still going on dates, we hug and kiss, we hold hands, we cuddle on the couch and watch movies—but still no sex. Is demisexuality real? Should I keep pursuing her?

Is She Interested Totally Or Not?

Demisexuals are real people who "do not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional bond," according to the definition at Asexuality.org. We used to call people who needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone people who, you know, needed to feel a strong emotional bond before wanting to fuck someone. But a seven-syllable, clinical-sounding term that prospective partners need to google—demisexuality—is obviously far superior to a short, explanatory sentence that doesn't require internet access to understand.

You've shown respect for this woman's sexual orientation, ISITON, now it's her turn to show some respect for yours. I don't mean by putting out if she's not ready or not interested, but by offering you some clarity about when or whether she'll ever be interested. You're seeking a romantic relationship that includes sex—which is not unreasonable—and you've demonstrated a willingness to make an emotional investment before a relationship becomes sexual. You don't (or shouldn't) want her to consent to sex under duress—you don't (or shouldn't) want her to have sex just to keep you coming over for cuddles—but if she doesn't see you as a prospective romantic and sexual partner, ISITON, she should tell you that. If this relationship isn't on track to become sexual, tell her you're open to being friends—truly intimate friends—but you'll have to direct your romantic attentions (and more of your time) elsewhere. recommended


On the Lovecast, comedian Amy Miller. Listen up at savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage

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Savage Love

Sep. 6th, 2017 04:00 am
[syndicated profile] savagelove_feed

Posted by Dan Savage

Does a woman need to tell her roommates about her foot fetishist chore slave? by Dan Savage

I'm a lady considering taking on a foot fetishist as a slave. He would do chores around my house, including cleaning and laundry, and give foot rubs and pedicures in exchange for getting to worship and jack off to my model-perfect feet when I've decided he's earned it. Am I morally obligated to tell my roommates? Technically the guy would be in their common space too. I will fully vet him with references and meet him in a neutral location at least once—and anything else you might suggest I do for security's sake. Though my roommates are not what you would call conservative, I'm not sure they'd understand this kind of arrangement. I would have my slave come over when no one is around, and then my roommates could come home to a sparkly clean common area! My slave would never have access to their personal spaces, nor would I leave him alone in any area of our home until a strong bond of trust had been established. No harm, no foul? Or am I crossing a line?

Man Into Cleaning A Shared Apartment

A friend in Berlin has a similar arrangement. This guy comes over to clean his apartment once a week and—if my friend thinks he's done a good enough job—my friend rewards him with a knee to the balls. It's a good deal for both parties: My vanilla-but-kink-adjacent friend gets a sparkly clean apartment (which he loves but doesn't want to do himself), this guy gets his balls busted on a regular basis (which he loves but can't do himself). But my friend lives alone, MICASA, and that makes all the difference. Or does it?

Time for some playing-games-with-foot-fetishists theory: If you were having sex with a boyfriend in the common areas of your apartment when your roommates weren't home—let's say your boyfriend (or even some rando) wanted to fuck you on the kitchen floor—you wouldn't be morally obligated to text your roommates and ask their permission. But we're not talking about a normal guy here or normal sex—we're talking about a fetishist who wants to be your slave. Does that make a difference? It might to people who regard kinksters as dangerous sex maniacs, MICASA, but a kinky guy isn't any more or less dangerous than a vanilla guy. And a kinky guy you've gone to the trouble to vet—by getting his real name and contact info, by meeting in public at least once, by asking for and following up with references—presents less of a threat to you and your roommates than some presumed-to-be-vanilla rando one of you brought home from a bar at 2 a.m.

Strip away the sensational elements—his thing for feet, his desire to be your chore slave, the mental image of him jacking off all over your toes—and what are we left with? A friends-with-benefits arrangement. A sparkly clean apartment benefits you (and your roommates); the opportunity to worship your feet benefits him. This guy would be a semi-regular sex partner of yours, MICASA, and while the sex you're having may not be conventional, the sex you have in your apartment—including the sex you might have in the common areas when no one is at home—is ultimately none of your roommates' business.

That said, MICASA, unless or until all your roommates know what's up, I don't think you should ever allow this guy to be alone in your apartment.


My girlfriend drunkenly confessed to me that she used to pee on her ex. I'm not sure what to do with this info.

Dude's Relationship In Peril

Did she ask you to do something with this info? Did your girlfriend say, "Hey, I used to pee on my ex—now go make me a dream catcher with that news, would you?" Your GF got a little kinky with an ex, most likely at the ex's request, and so what? If piss isn't something you're into, DRIP, don't obsess on the distressing-to-you details and focus instead on the big picture: You've got an adventurous GF. Congrats. If she doesn't have an equally adventurous BF, here's hoping she finds one.


My 7-year-old son started getting really into gauze, splints, and bandages when he was 3, and by the time he was 4, it became clearly sexualized. He gets a boner when he plays "broken bone" or just looks at bandages, and he has expressed how much he loves to touch his penis when he does this. My husband and I (both happily vanilla) have been accepting and casual about this. We've provided him with a stash of "supplies," taught him the concept of privacy and alone time, and frequently remind him to never wrap bandages around his head or neck. Is it normal to be so kinky at such a young age? I know kinks generally develop from childhood associations. When he was 2, he had surgery to correct a common issue on his groin. Might that have sparked this? I want my son to grow up with a healthy and positive sexuality. Are we doing him a favor or a disservice by supplying him with materials, freedom, and privacy to engage in a kink so young?

Boy Always Needing "Doctoring" And Getting Edgier

Your son's behavior isn't that abnormal, BANDAGE. It's standard for kids, even very young kids, to touch their genitals—in public, where it can be a problem, or in private, where it should never be a problem. And lord knows kids obsess about the strangest shit. (What is the deal with dinosaurs, anyway?) Right now your son is obsessed with bandages and splints and gauze, his interests aren't purely intellectual, and it's easy to see a possible link between his experience with bandages and gauze in his swimsuit area and his obsession.

None of this means your son is definitely going to be kinky when he grows up, BANDAGE—not that there's anything wrong with being kinky when you grow up. There are lots of happy, healthy kinksters out there, and your kid could be one of them when he grows up. But it's too early to tell, and so long as his interests aren't complicating his life (he's not behaving inappropriately with friends or at school), your son's whatever-this-is will become less of your concern over time and ultimately it will be none of your business.

In the meantime, you don't wanna slap a "so kinky" label on a 7-year-old. (If he were to overhear you using that term to describe him, does he have the computer skills to google it himself?) But you're doing everything right otherwise. You aren't shaming your son, you aren't making bandages and gauze and splints more alluring by denying him access to them, you are teaching him important lessons about privacy and what needs to be reserved for "alone time."

You ask if it's normal to be "so kinky" at such a young age. Probably not—but so what? According to science, most adults have paraphilias, aka "non-normative sexual desires and interests." That means kinks are normal—at least for grown-ups—so even if your son isn't normal now, BANDAGE, he'll be normal someday. Most kinksters can point to things in their childhood that seemed to foreshadow their adult interests in bandages/bondage/balloons/whatever. Author, journalist, and spanking fetishist Jillian Keenan (Sex with Shakespeare) was fascinated by spanking when she was your son's age; Keenan likes to say she was conscious of her kink orientation before she knew anything about her sexual orientation. So while your son's behavior may not be "normal" for a kid who grows up to be vanilla, it would be "normal" for someone who grows up to be kinky. recommended


On the Lovecast, Dan and Jesse Bering chat about your father's penis: savagelovecast.com.

mail@savagelove.net

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